MKK10

http://mkk10.blogspot.com/

From now on until Mac, I will write in this blog haha more ...unless something special pop out. Do visit this blog ya!

23/10/2009

I'm still waiting.....

Fake

This is a expression from a faker-hater who is a faker himself.

Note:

I'm writing truth here. Don't think I'm showing off or exaggerating. I'm sharing personal thoughts that is if you ever cared to read, thank you.

I'm making myself open & vulnerable here, so...please don't add insult to my injury ok? Be wise. Read this, shut up out there, forget what I wrote, & pretend nothing happened.

If you find youself disagree with what some things that I'm about to share, press Alt+F4 immediately. Pointless to continue. Simply means we are not close, not real, not true.

I wrote this out of emo-ness..... So please try to understand this.

Bermulalah....

There is an idea in the world that by seeing others people happy, I can be happy as well. For many years I'd been holding on to this principle. Spending attention, time, effort.... just trying to be nice, kind, caring.... just trying to brighten others life, being there for them. It's always about others. But that doesn't mean I'm putting others above myself. I'm not that "holy". I just do what I can, should, & desire...perhaps more a little.

But come to think of it, why I'm able to do so? It's all because of God's blessing on me that I'm able to do so. I thank God for all the information He gave me about people. I'm full of shits...(secrets). I know people telling me stories is fake or real, because sometimes...I knew already what you gonna tell me. People around me tells me many things (so please don't be fake to me, I know, just that I pretend not to know). & also thank God for the nerdy but trusty face He had given me. All this will not be possible if people do not trust me. Thats why I consider TRUST is much more important than UNDERSTANDing your friends. Trust is developed, understanding is learned. Lastly I spent time the most, money the less on people around me. I do at times felt that my purpose for the people around me is spending time for them. Time reflects love (friendship ar...not BGR).

Yes over the years, many people commented on me, thanking me, saying geli-geli gratitudes & appreciations. There are even cases of people "promote" me to their FnF. Sorry, not boasting. It's truth. It's personal, transparent blog ok? All this encourage me to cotinue what I'd been doing all the time. At least it shows that maybe out of 10 person I tried to care, 2-3 person will not throw me like rubbish & take me for granted. Seriously it's not easy. If not for their words, I'd given up very long ago. Let's be real, appreciations can be a powerful driving force. Somehow I even considered this is one of the purpose of my life.

Everything seems nice, they are happy, I'm happy. But recently, I feel that maybe I should...have a break. Time to rest...from all this. I'm tired. Dunno why. All this time I try to be positive influence to others. I wanna be ignorant at times but I can't.

Then I start to wonder, is all this my true self? Is my kindness induced? Did I act all this out so that people will approach me? How can I be tired of this? If this is real me, then why am I having all this feeling now? Or just because I wanna be a positive testimony to others? Did I do all this just to "give face" to God? I'm very confused now. Did I over do it?

I do really hope someone will tell me, that I'm just being myself. I'm real in person.

Am I thinking too much? After self-analyze (long time ago), I realized I failed at this certain points very much.

1 - I hate people take me for granted, especially people who I consider V.I.P in my life
2 - I hate people not being real to me, maybe because I always be real to others.
3 - Sometimes I expect too much from others. & often it fails me.
4 - Maybe I centered myself too much on interactions & relationships, I can't stand loneliness.
5 - I emo easily, but always end up "banging myself on wall", never burst it out.
& can't think of how to put in words...but this generally summarizes it all.

So conclusion, I'm not that really good after all. I do want something in return after all. Love, attention, happiness. Are my motives right morally? Seems like I'm strugglin within myself for nothing. perhaps it's just THINKING TOO MUCH...but still I want some clarifications, acknowledgements...see the negative side of humans now? Mouth different from heart.

I'm a faker in some sense after all, not to others, but to myself alone. This is one thing I never shared out (until now). Even writing this blog post is a bit fake...trying to seek attention. But that's me. Sad...

20 Differences between Shit & Sex

1) Biological importance:
Sex
- You still can still live on without sex
Shit
- You will die if you don't do it

2) How does your brain operates?
Sex
- You THINK when you WANT to do it (That's why some marriages got sour because of sexual issues)
Shit
- You KNOW when you NEED to do it (Your spouse never complains about you shitting right?)

3) Brain over lust, or lust over brain?
Sex
- The desire to sex is always higher than the logic to sex (Kitchen is also a location to do it)
Shit
- The logic to shit is always higher than the desire to shit (You won't shit in the kitchen right?)

4) Effect on working capability & performance:
Sex
- You can't answer business call when you are doing it (KPI down)
Shit
- You can answer business call when you are doing it (KPI up)

5) As a consumer, we always talked about satisfaction...
Sex
- Satisfaction maybe one sided or faked out, no guarantee
Shit
- Satisfaction gained guaranteed 100%

6) Energy saving issue? (Green planet)
Sex
- You become tired & wanna rest after "climax"
Shit
- You become more comfortable & energized after "climax"

7) Honesty issue...
Sex
- Can you say "I got STD/impotence" when others asked you why you go to hospital?
Shit
- You can say "I got shitting problems" when others asked you why you go to hospital.

8) Cleaning up the mess...
Sex
- Body fluids, skin tissues, scars & saliva on body, furniture damage & location change etc
Shit
- There is only one trace of it, floating inside toilet bowl

9) Neighborhood friendly...
Sex
- You *make sound* loud at midnight & see how your neighbor looks at you the next morning
Shit
- You "eemmmm!!!!" loud at midnight & your neighbor will still greet you the next morning

10) How responsible & organized are you?
Sex
- You CAN'T just walk away after that
Shit
- You CAN just walk away after that

11) With food crisis as a global issue now...
Sex
- The product of it increases food consumption (babies)
Shit
- The product of it increases food production (fertilizers)

12) Do you regret your actions?
Sex
- Many cases of regrets
Shit
- I never heard anyone regret shitting

13) Human unity all over the world!!!
Sex
- Same activity, multiple ways, variable styles, different purpose, always evolving all the time
Shit
- Same activity, one way, one style, one purpose, remains unchanged all the time

14) Since so many gender confusion/transsexuals cases around...
Sex
- You have to open door of different gender to do it (I know you know lah)
Shit
- You have to open door of the same gender to do it (toilet door sign)

15) Let's talk about education...
Sex
- We need Sex Education for our kids to have a morally healthy society
Shit
- We don't need Shit Education for our kids to have a morally healthy society

16) Lifelong activity...
Shit
- You shit from the day you are born until you enter the grave
Sex
- You sex from the day you sexually matured until you enter the sex impotence/uninterested age

17) For those who are married...
Sex
- You try sex outside & your spouse might divorce with you
Shit
- You can shit outside & your spouse still loves you very much

18) Are you a good businessman/entrepreneur?
Sex
- You enjoy the process more than the result
Shit
- You enjoy the result more than the process

19) Engineering: Issue on amount of moving components with machine efficiency.
Sex
- You enjoy using your eye, nose, mouth, & hands when you are at it
Shit
- You don't even wanna use your eye, nose, mouth, & hands when you are at it

20) So what' is the right balance?
Sex
- Too much not good, not enough not good...
Shit
- Huh? Just shit all the way whenever you want lah!

Conclusion: SHIT is better than SEX

I write this myself, no copy from elsewhere. Not from internet or written materials ya! Purely from my brain alone. Comment ya!

Story of Numbers

Occasionally I pass by these nombor ekor shops (Magnum, Toto, Kuda as the community calls them "MTK") watching the peoples around. If you wish to see the "variety" of peoples in our society, this place summarizes it all.

Why I say so?

I used to work in one of the outlets as operator. I saw all the types of attitudes of peoples (customers) through a layer of glass just separating us. I'd seen different types of attitudes. I'm also a frequent "customer" because I'm "forced" to go buy numbers eventhough it's totally against my will. There are 2 types of views I see from 2 perspective, as customer & operator.

I admit & confess here that I developed a personal hatred to all this I call "nonsense investment". So my post may be biased to make myself sounds moral, "holy", judgemental & righteous.

There is only one thing in common that binds all the people there togather the desire to seek wealth. Trust me, money is all they care. Eventhough some will say it's just RM1/day/number just for fun, it's all bullshit. No mater how well you package it & how nice you justify yourself about it to make yourself righteous, it's still gambling. If it's not money that you are after, then what for you put your money to waste there? Investment? Get real please. Hypocrites who claims their action's motives differently from their sincere intention is just a small reflection on what's in store in peoples heart around us.

Let me give a scientific & statistical awareness. Simply cut, all "investment" will suffer 34% loss overtime. That means if you throw RM10k in, you will only gain back RM6.6k in all mathematically computable possibilities. Only 2.3% of people will be happy per day while 97.7% others cursing their fate over missed numbers. (all this is for 4D game ALONE, I didn't count for other games). It's an obvious "donation" to the companies, that's why they flourished. If not for the charities they contributed to the communities, they are real blood suckers.

The atmosphere inside these outlets can be just described in one word: BIOHAZARD. Majority (almost all) of customers here smokes. Not only that, they have bad breath. Even the operators inside can't escape from their toxic gas. & they tend to blow it right through the opening in glass. & most of them came after work or during break time, meaning they are sweating (majority are workers who do no enjoy the privilege of having air-conditioned office). Imagine the smell they have on their armpits with the strong sensations of sunbathed body aroma therapy just like when we came back from school last time during our evening sessions (ask your mom how is the smell if you don't believe). Add with their money hunger aura, I would rather smell my own shit.

I think the occupational health officers should close down all outlets. It's high health hazard to all workers & public people.

Other than health hazard, these outlets also displays our kebudayaan budi bahasa. it's like a multi lingual verbal dictionary of vulgar lesson. I can assure you will "learn" some famous national swearing & cursing (eg: KNNBACCBLJ, a 10 words combo of Hokkien carut), a little of Tamil version without combo, very less Malay version & surprisingly, none of English version (the famous F word). What a cultural-rich place to be in. No better language lessons available in town other than here. Sexual harassment words although very rare, did occurred. Female operators being sexually "talked"....is not a joke. Although the frequencies of these foul languages being "aired" is very small, but it is not something we can be proud of.

Education & moral wise, how about your parents teach you how to gamble when you are still kids? It happened here. Ohya, how about the notice "Judi Adalah Haram Di Sisi Agama Islam"? So it means only Muslims can't gamble? Others are "licensed" to gamble? It just sounds so wrong. It's a form of bias-ness & stereotyping. & yet I see those "warning" as a suggestion only, not a commandment. Or they say forbidden fruits taste sweater, so forbidden money gained through forbidden ways are even more sweetening? Religious teachings seems to be just a requirement to be a Malaysian; first principle in rukun negara: kepercayaan kepada Tuhan. I can hardly see any faith in God. Or people around toy around with God's name (no matter what religion) in the constitution?

If some noticed, there are frequently either community centers (old folks home, homeless shelters, orphanage) or OKU's trying to get some donation in the entrance. I can tell you how heartless the people around. It's like as if they were forsaken by the community around. None even bothered to entertain them. I wonder if a person can throw RM100 into a sure-lose investment, why not bother to give RM1 to make someone feel better? Eventhough I doubt the credibility of those "needy" there, I don't mind being cheated RM1 for charity to show care. It's the same outside there.

Other than I will not gamble, this is also the biggest reason I hate to go there, because I have to selfishly ignore them while becoming one of the heartless moron throwing money in hope to gain more. Please pray for me in this. Although it's against my will to go, but I cannot disobey commands. I just hope someday my conviction will be accepted.

I may be exaggerating here but I summarize all this from worst case scenario & with all the again...mathematically computable possibilities of things happened here base on my experience from 2 perspectives as well as stories told to me.

Conclusion? Not pointing at anyone this time. I'm not shooting someone this time. It's just a sharing of thoughts.

Edit (add): Not to mention crimes....Armed robbery did happened. Haha

3 years ago...

Today I visit my secondary & F6 school...thanks to David CHoo Teck Wooi for dragging me along to teman him...well I guess it's for a purpose after all.

So much changes in just 3 years....Lepak & rounding the school really brings back many memories ...F1-F6... I smiled at my own foolishness & funny actions last time... my deeds... thoughts... ideas... emotions......my past crimes...... & suddenly I teringat someone....I wonder how is she now...suddenly miss her pulak (oops). Haha it's just history.

The physical changes is very amusing...from a dull & ancient feeling school into somewhat...nice environment (or at least BETTER). But what strikes me the most is the changes in me.

Back to school, I'm considered a senior...graduated. When the teacher introduce us to the students...(F6)..they were somehow..."wahhh!!!" at what I'm doing now. I wonder how would I react last time. Seeing them really gives me the feeling that I'm OLD. Shyte... Time to move on?

Reflecting on the past, I realized I'd grown a lot in this 3 years. Seriously..my values on life changed. The way I think changed. Even the way I relate with teachers changed. Now I can talk like friends to them. Thank God for all this. Each stages in our life will definitely change us. Some may say "You are still the same after xxxx years". I don't think so. Try to reflect back on the past. Surely you will see changes. It's the way how you feel about your changes that may differ.

When we shared our experience with the teachers, I realized that everything moves on...eventhough the school is still there, new systems are currently being implemented. The canteen management changes. School personnel changed. Pengetua changed. The F6 lengluis also changed. The schooling, campus & soon to be working environment really different from one another....my world changes. Telling the teachers about my campus life which is sooooooo different from their campus life in the past with their reaction towards it...shows that things changes with time.

If I do not continue to move on, the changes surrounding me will overwhelm me. Move on...flow along with the changes. Comfort zones are not permanent.

Seeing the cikgu-cikgu faces...I felt F6 is just like yesterday. How I missed my friends around me that time...Am I being too emotional?(F6 really means A LOT to me, the Jeremy today is the result of my changes in F6). Many had gone their own way...for the remaining still in contact, when will you leave my world?

I saw the teachers berbual dengan gembira about the past with us. Happy with our progress, advancement, changes, or with just the sweet memories of the past? I guess it's both.

What am I 3 years ago? An innocent guy knowing nothing like a small kid. Living selfishly in denial.

What am I 3 years later? Going to grad BSc soon, planning to take MSc...will have ISP rank in PDRM soon...start to know the Lord more (yeah Hallelujah)...& know how to express...I LOVE YOU, my parents.

Isn't the changes good?

Forget not the past...it's a mirror in our heart.

That's the reason we studied history...to reflect on the past...so that we can move on...

Tolerate

Was just wondering about something...

If I recalled precisely, last time during pendidikan moral there was one nilai murni called "Toleransi antara kaum" or something like that. To me it just sounds so WRONG.....

They should change it into "Menerima antara satu sama lain". This is not about difference in races.. It applies to all. I'm just taking the nilai moral as an example.

According to dictionary: (of course there are many meanings to a single word...I select the one that i relevant here)

Accept:

be welcoming to somebody: to treat somebody as a member of a group or social circle

Tolerate:

endure something: to withstand the unpleasant effects of something

See the difference?

Why tolerate when you can accept? Our kids should be educated to accept each another...not to tolerate each other. How can true forgiveness comes into the picture when all the while I am tolerating with someone? I can only truly forgive when I accept the person for who he is. Because I do not want to reject him I decide to tolerate. Tolerate in another word is being patient. & we can only be patient over something ugly. Otherwise it's passion not patience. The borderline between acceptance & rejection is tolerance.

If again I recalled correctly, there was an element of tolerating each other when "a certain country" was fighting over her own independence & during the construction of her constitution.. Race A & B & C...etc have to tolerate each other on some terms of nationality & rights. & until now....see what happens when it's toleration & not acceptance? Tolerate over something "unpleasant" in each other...bersabar...bersabar...no wonder the "certain issue" still exist even after half century of "freedom". Btw those who WERE there that time are almost half "departed". The new "flame bearer" knows nothing about the past..they were just being educated the wrong way by those who were there last time.

Even among friends or family members.....or even in church. Because of some unforgiveness issue, "zealous" persons were missing in action. I think that if we don't get our own heart fixed right before God about this acceptance & forgiveness, it's pointless even if I become very "holy & spiritual". It's just faking. Tolerating is a fake version of acceptance. Tolerating is just a form of polite-rejection & partial acceptance.

Do not tolerate. Accept.

E.M.O.

Eventhough you are a troublesome person, I still do consider you as one of us, as a beloved sister.

Who told you tat you are rejected?

Truthfully you are really a nice person, adorable & cute.

Who told you that you are ugly?

But because of your attitude, everything rosak.
Everyone tries to accept you, but it is you who refuse to accept yourself.
Why create so many stories when we can see through it?

What we want is a TRUE YOU.

Previously I commit myself to help & take care of everyone, including you, our dear sister.
All this while I thought I can bear with it...but now that you had crossed the limit...sorry.
Now I felt I'm contradicting myself...I felt myself so fake now...
Telling others how nice & stuffs like that..
But behind you talking how horrible things are actually...
Yet hidden in our conversations are needles pointing at each other
Where is the sincere friendship that I foolishly felt last time?

Soft ways won't work. Now is the hard time.

You seriously hurt me....
No matter how emotional you get....
Never before you insults me...
And now this time you did it...

but I still desire to see you come back...please...

Listen to what others said about you...for we all are telling you the truth...truth that sounds ugly & offensive yet thats what truth should sound.

Why can;t you just let go & open yourself?

Stop hurting yourself & us

NOTE: This is not a BGR post...(I know it sounds very like that) But it's for a dear friend of mine...YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!

Learning from children

"Truly, I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven" (Matthew 18:3)

"Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven" (Matthew 18:4)

Does the Word of God teaches us to be childish?...................

Every moment we grow. As human become older/elder, we tend to avoid our previous characters/traits/behaviours during our childhood times, as so called to be matured. Is it really something we should really do? What I mean is people tend try to be different when they reach adulthood. Different doesn't mean positive. It can be negative changes as well.

We always try to escape from our own original self when we grow up. As many assumes being an adult, we cannot do what we do when we were children. Well, it's half true anyway. It's all mostly because of the world view today, or more like how your mind being set (AFFECTED & CONTROLLED) by the community around.

Before going deeper, let's go to surface level first.

Who say adults CANNOT collect robot models?
Who say adults CANNOT watch anime/cartoons?
Who say adults CANNOT eat sweet/candies?

Who set all this rules?

Anything wrong/sinful with these?

However that is not the main point here. All these so-called children activities we tend to leave behind when we grow old. Actually nothing is wrong with these right? Just because the community around can't accept your hobby doesn't mean you are wrong. It's just you are different, unique, special. That's all.

Time to go into main course.

When we grow old, we also tend to leave behind "sikap-sikap" which community around think as childish. But are those things we leave behind childish or CHILDLIKE? It's two very different things. At times we will laugh at kids saying they are childish. Yet let's come to reflect on ourselves, the one we deem as matured (I'm not yet ah).

As kids we don't smoke & drink because we know it's not good for health.
As adults we smoke like hell, pollute the air like car engine farting, & we drink alcoholic drinks as if it's normal plain water. We do it because we like it & want it.

The kids know the truth & facts, & obeyed simply because it's for their own good.
The adults despite knowing the truth, did the wrong things for own pleasure & satisfaction which in turn menyusahkan orang lain & diri sendiri.

Who is the one childish here?

As kids we tend to seek counsel from parents when we dunno bout something & we believed wholeheartedly with confidence & treated each other with sincere heart.
As adults we always being suspicious, having insecurities, scheme against each other, being a big worry, condemns others, blaming each other, high ego & self righteousness, living in denial & refusing to face facts.

Are we straying away from moral values (secular people)?

As kids we have the combination of childishness & childlikeness. It may sound the same but it it not.

According to dictionary,

CHILDISH therefore refers to characteristics that are undesirable and unpleasant: childish selfishness, outbursts of temper.

CHILDLIKE therefore refers to the characteristics that are desirable and admirable: childlike innocence, trust.

As we grow older, we tend to remove both as same time because some can't differentiate both of them. The best ideal way is to be matured & yet at same time childlike. Sadly enough, the world seems to brand both togather under the label of "immaturity".

Do most of us realized when we became old, humans are trying to become children again? Is it childish or childlike? How can we say our parents that are MUCH WISER than us as childish? They had experienced the flavours of life & therefore come to realize that during life, we all gains maturity but lost our childlikeness. That's why there is a change of behaviour, to regain the childlikeness, not the childishness.

Add in both the Bible verse & the explanation from SECULAR DICTIONARY:

"Truly, I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven" (Matthew 18:3).

"Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven" (Matthew 18:4).

CHILDISH therefore refers to characteristics that are undesirable and unpleasant: childish selfishness, outbursts of temper.

CHILDLIKE therefore refers to the characteristics that are desirable and admirable: childlike innocence, trust.

Quoted from somewhere over the Internet:

"Children listen, obey and trust immediately. They know little but they listen. They are carefree but they obey. They are incapable but they trust. How many of us hear and know much about the word but turn a deaf ear to the Lord? How many of us are called for a mission but denied each and every opportunity? How many of us are equipped and empowered but doubt God's promises? "

Matthew 19:13-14
Then little children were brought to Him that He might put His hands on them and pray,but the disciples rebuked them. But Jesus said, "Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of heaven."

Mark 9:36-37
Taking a child, He set him before them, and taking him in His arms, He said to them,
"Whoever receives one child like this in My name receives Me; and whoever receives Me does not receive Me, but Him who sent Me."

God wants us to humble down ourselves, & to be as pure as children (childlike) yet be wise (matured). To me maturity is simple, having WISDOM. That's it. & I'm still trying my best to be wiser....& retaining my childlikeness....

Time to move on

It's now time to move on...

Time to let go of past experiences.
Since it never turn out the way I want it to be, then it best just to end it here.
Persisting just one side would end up hurting myself.

If the other party do not understand my real intention, just let it be.
How unfortunate for it to end this way, when all I want is not what you thought.

At first I thought you understand what I told you, face to face.
Or is it me that is not clear enough?
It seems like you do not trust me until the end.

It no longer matters to me.
Memory will remain, sweet or bitter doesn't make any difference anymore.
But I'm thankful for all this...

Past shall not be erased, I shall cherish it as a part of my journey.
Never forget what has happened for it has aleady happened.
History is for learning from past mistakes, not to run away from future.

Now letting go...time to look onto something new.....
I'm free.
I'm waiting for a new different one.....

Thank you Lord for setting me free. I had wasted too much time on this. I almost strayed away & now I had returned. Hold me tight, don't let me go anymore.

Now it's time to level up as well.

It's time huh?
Am I truly ready for this?
It;s not easy to be in another new level.
Can I leave things that I have?
Can I take up this challenge?
I don't wanna fade away someday.
Help me to keep me strong & remain faithful...
I leave all matters into Your mighty hands...
Guide me. Speak to me. Lead me.
Transform me. Touch me. Renew me.