This is a expression from a faker-hater who is a faker himself.
Note:
I'm writing truth here. Don't think I'm showing off or exaggerating. I'm sharing personal thoughts that is if you ever cared to read, thank you.
I'm making myself open & vulnerable here, so...please don't add insult to my injury ok? Be wise. Read this, shut up out there, forget what I wrote, & pretend nothing happened.
If you find youself disagree with what some things that I'm about to share, press Alt+F4 immediately. Pointless to continue. Simply means we are not close, not real, not true.
I wrote this out of emo-ness..... So please try to understand this.
Bermulalah....
There is an idea in the world that by seeing others people happy, I can be happy as well. For many years I'd been holding on to this principle. Spending attention, time, effort.... just trying to be nice, kind, caring.... just trying to brighten others life, being there for them. It's always about others. But that doesn't mean I'm putting others above myself. I'm not that "holy". I just do what I can, should, & desire...perhaps more a little.
But come to think of it, why I'm able to do so? It's all because of God's blessing on me that I'm able to do so. I thank God for all the information He gave me about people. I'm full of shits...(secrets). I know people telling me stories is fake or real, because sometimes...I knew already what you gonna tell me. People around me tells me many things (so please don't be fake to me, I know, just that I pretend not to know). & also thank God for the nerdy but trusty face He had given me. All this will not be possible if people do not trust me. Thats why I consider TRUST is much more important than UNDERSTANDing your friends. Trust is developed, understanding is learned. Lastly I spent time the most, money the less on people around me. I do at times felt that my purpose for the people around me is spending time for them. Time reflects love (friendship ar...not BGR).
Yes over the years, many people commented on me, thanking me, saying geli-geli gratitudes & appreciations. There are even cases of people "promote" me to their FnF. Sorry, not boasting. It's truth. It's personal, transparent blog ok? All this encourage me to cotinue what I'd been doing all the time. At least it shows that maybe out of 10 person I tried to care, 2-3 person will not throw me like rubbish & take me for granted. Seriously it's not easy. If not for their words, I'd given up very long ago. Let's be real, appreciations can be a powerful driving force. Somehow I even considered this is one of the purpose of my life.
Everything seems nice, they are happy, I'm happy. But recently, I feel that maybe I should...have a break. Time to rest...from all this. I'm tired. Dunno why. All this time I try to be positive influence to others. I wanna be ignorant at times but I can't.
Then I start to wonder, is all this my true self? Is my kindness induced? Did I act all this out so that people will approach me? How can I be tired of this? If this is real me, then why am I having all this feeling now? Or just because I wanna be a positive testimony to others? Did I do all this just to "give face" to God? I'm very confused now. Did I over do it?
I do really hope someone will tell me, that I'm just being myself. I'm real in person.
Am I thinking too much? After self-analyze (long time ago), I realized I failed at this certain points very much.
1 - I hate people take me for granted, especially people who I consider V.I.P in my life
2 - I hate people not being real to me, maybe because I always be real to others.
3 - Sometimes I expect too much from others. & often it fails me.
4 - Maybe I centered myself too much on interactions & relationships, I can't stand loneliness.
5 - I emo easily, but always end up "banging myself on wall", never burst it out.
& can't think of how to put in words...but this generally summarizes it all.
So conclusion, I'm not that really good after all. I do want something in return after all. Love, attention, happiness. Are my motives right morally? Seems like I'm strugglin within myself for nothing. perhaps it's just THINKING TOO MUCH...but still I want some clarifications, acknowledgements...see the negative side of humans now? Mouth different from heart.
I'm a faker in some sense after all, not to others, but to myself alone. This is one thing I never shared out (until now). Even writing this blog post is a bit fake...trying to seek attention. But that's me. Sad...
