It's almost half year since I'd taken up this new position of being a CG leader. Before this God told me that I can do it So I just accept it, with heart for improvement & changes in the CG. Now thinkin back, I wonder how well I did so far....did I disappoint anyone?
Honestly, I'm think I'm not doing that good. Somehow my approach is more one-to-one, rather than a group as a whole.Do they even look me as their leader (or at least senior)? Or look at me as a trusted friend? I believe it's important to be both. But somehow I sucked at being a respected leader. I'm really thankful for those who is willing to open up to me, sharing their stories, ideas, thoughts, struggles.Being honest, it's very hard to minister to people as CG leader in church. I'm still not good at this yet. I wonder how many percents of my advises really hit them or they understand. 100%? 80%? 50%? 10%? 0%? I guess I'm just good at being a super kind friend who comes one-to-one style.
I even wonder am I wise or good enough to comment & advice. If yes, how come I got this feeling? If no, how come people come consult me & ask for my opinion? Of course there are MANY times I felt disrespected, taken for granted, misunderstood, etc. I wonder other leaders face the similar problem or not. Or it's just me being too kind & soft? Am I even a good leader material? Did I even impact people? Can I even say "follow my example" to others? So many questions that I need some honest feedback from people.
But the situation is opposite & reverse for non-Christian group settings. Why is this happening?
Being a human I do expect some return of the portion of my kindness to others. But experience tells me non-Christians are much better at appreciating people & expressing gratitude. I'm actually saddened by this. Perhaps I shouldn't even expect something at all. The funny thing is those who I expect to return kindness do not do so, while those who I never expect, did very well.
Seriously I had this funny idea, if I would die, & I get to listen to what my friends testify about me, I would expect respect & honors & tears from my non-Christian friends much more than Christian friends. I can't help it, based on what I'm experiencing now.
Is this what I always term as "Christians are too full of grace that they forget the significance of the Law?"
I even wonder why am I being bothered by this. Tired & wanna give up because no motivation & encouragement from others? I do get some testimonies & truthful acknowledgment from non-Christian friends & those really lifts me up. I wonder will I get some spiritual version of it? yea...in the past got la... & it's from my leaders & seniors & those in my "years"... I wonder is it the juniors & younger view me differently?
Anyway since God put me in this, & he told me with confirmation I can do it, I have to trust in Him that I can do it. I used to almost give up serving Him at a point that God had to put me in a holiday to refresh me & remind me of how important my service to Him.
So based on the current situations & what I see, I'm still not yet a good spiritual leader (or at least in group setting) but I'm doing fine & well as secular leader. Swt!!! What a sad case. Oh God! Please shape me & mold me even more. Do not allow all this to discourage me.
Perhaps.....???
